Is it possible to politely bring up the lack of interest in our lives without offending them, or is it even worthwhile attempting to change the trajectory of our relationships?
In-Laws: Seems kind of pointless. If they’re not interested, then they’re not interested. Or they’re self-centered, or bad at conversation, both of which tend to change only when they’ve made themselves the targets of hard inner work.
What you can do is throw in a question like this here and there: “Would you like to know what the kids are up to?” Ha — defy them to say no!
But seriously, it’ll give you a tiny little platform for a quick update: “Ralphie is enjoying his official Red Ryder BB gun, and here, look at this picture of Randy trying to move his arms in his snowsuit.” Then they can glaze over and nod as you refresh your mental note that these are people you are related to, not emotionally connected to. One doesn’t guarantee the other.
Or, they can grab your conversational lifeline, make approving noises — not everyone has even the most rudimentary social skills, after all, and it’s not helpful to anyone to assume they do — and maybe even form some basic follow-up questions about you.
In other words, if they’re just a little lost or awkward, then your pointed question will give them some needed direction. At worst, it’ll just go cold between you like an unclaimed hot hors d’oeuvre.
Best to go into all these encounters just not expecting you’ll ever be close, but letting your effort give them a chance.
Dear Carolyn: I recently got married. Right after the ceremony, my in-laws started addressing me as “Mrs. MyHusband’sLastname,” with great, fond emphasis on the “Mrs.”
I know they are doing it with affection, as a signal that I am one of them, a member of their tribe. It’s sweet — except I don’t intend to change my name. Telling them this sounds a little snotty, especially now that I have let it go for a couple of months. How do I set the record straight without rejecting them?
Newly Married: It’s not snotty to have your own name.
Next time one of them calls you “Mrs. Husband’sLastname” or addresses something to you that way, explain that you’re still Ms. YourLastname and hope you haven’t unintentionally misled them. “You have welcomed me into your family so fondly, I didn’t want to mistakenly correct someone on an endearment.” Meaning, proceed as if they’ve known this all along, of course, they’re just goosing you.
Your husband also had a couple of months’ worth of opportunities to clear this up with his parents. Why hasn’t he taken any of them?
