Type A: Accept that they will be late, or make other arrangements. It’s not okay, but it’s also not changing. (See: 10 years.)
Re: Late: The lateness is a problem, but you don’t solve it by telling another adult what to do when she isn’t your subordinate at work. You know this is who she is. Work with it or around it. You’re going to drive both of you crazy if you keep expecting her to change.
Anon 1: Yes, 100 percent on the principle, thanks. And in practice, a reminder to Type A: Has telling her ever worked?
Re: Late: I agree about “telling her,” but why shouldn’t we express to our partners the need to change behavior that is objectively problematic?
Anon 2: Once? Sure. For 10 years? Nope.
Re: Late: When it’s between you two, there is a pass. When it leaks down to kids, then is this what they want to teach them?
Anon 3: See … no. This is a great example of when being right is wrong.
Of course you don’t want the kids to miss part of their lesson, or to learn it’s okay to be late and burden the instructor, or to feel they’re not their parents’ priority, or whatever. There is no defense for being late.
Which is good, because that’s not the point. The point is that even if it worked, which it doesn’t, adults in personal relationships don’t get to correct, scold, chastise, negatively review or supervise each other, not even as co-parents.
If there’s an issue, then they can discuss the issue, sure. Like equals. But if it’s recurrent, then it’s time to switch the topic from promptness to the twin topics of autonomy and utility. 1. Loving adult life partners won’t stay that way long if one of them corrects the other like a problem employee. 2. Badgering someone is proof that badgering doesn’t work, or else there would be no need for badgering.
So, to recap, having and re-having this conversation won’t get anyone anywhere on time, but will demoralize both partners, in at least partial view of the kids.
So. Choose your partner, then trust your choice, lumps and all, addressing stuff on the margins as a team of equals — and any bigger stuff as needed with professional help.
Re: Late: It’s possible your child will get upset if he is late. Having your son get mad might be different, so let them work it out between them.
Re: Late: Many chronically late adults already feel significant shame as a result. (Undiagnosed ADHD is a common underlying issue.) You cannot shame anyone into improving. It doesn’t work.
Try asking instead: “What can I do to help get Susie ready?” Or do it yourself if it’s that important to you.
Anon 5: A hearty yes to this, thanks. Or hire it out. One caveat: Help offers can sound transparent and shamey if you’re not careful.
