I’m at a loss about how to respond. I say, “I don’t recall” or some non-answer to eliminate discussion. Last time this happened, I was so angry I said, “I don’t think what’s bothering you I would have seen as a child.” I was livid and tried to use “I” statements. My son’s dad is deceased, and we were divorced. My daughter-in-law never would have asked him because he was not given to introspection and would have laughed.
Daughter-in-law comes from a dysfunctional family on steroids without any boundaries. I see her asking me about her hubby as a deflection to NOT deal with marital issues, or she feels “it’s all MY fault” for what she doesn’t like. She is converting my other daughter-in-law to ask the same question, “Was he like this as a child?” What’s a method to stop this? I’m so tired of this issue. It’s a marital problem they need to resolve.
Hi In the Middle: First of all, I hope you are giving yourself grace while navigating this challenging dynamic. In-law conflicts are some of the most complex among interpersonal relationships. From the blending of family customs, values, and trauma to the delicate and blurry lines of loyalty and prioritization. I don’t generally believe in hard and fast rules for people with diverse cultural norms and expectations, but I do believe that clear communication and boundary-setting are always key.
It sounds like part of what is bothering you is that what should be shared directly with your son is being indirectly communicated to you. One way to begin to resolve that would be to model direct communication for your daughter-in-law and your son. We often have more power than we think to influence uncomfortable dynamics.
For example, if you are uncomfortable speaking about your son’s shortcomings with his wife, it would benefit everyone for you to communicate this directly the next time she tries to pull you into a dialogue about it. And if you feel offended by the inference that you are somehow responsible for your son’s shortcomings, your daughter-in-law should know this explicitly. She may or may not feel like she’s blaming you but if it’s coming off this way to you, even indirectly, it’s best to address it directly. I suggest wading in with “I” statements that lay out how you feel when she does this instead of making any overt accusations, as you don’t know her intentions. All you can speak to is the impact of her words and actions on you. Stay focused on expressing your experience of being put in the middle of their conflict in ways that are uncomfortable and, frankly, unwelcome by you.
Then you can clearly state your boundaries around the issue. You can say something like, “I understand that you are frustrated with some of my son’s behaviors. More than anything, I want for the two of you to have a healthy and loving relationship, but I fear that bringing these issues to me instead of him may work against your goal of a healthy relationship with him. I also want to have a healthy relationship with my son, and I never want to feel like I am talking about him behind his back with anyone, especially with his wife.”
Given her family history, length of their marriage and their age, I think it is perfectly reasonable to exclude yourself from any of their interpersonal conflict and if she pushes that boundary, you can politely let her know that you would rather not take part in any negative conversation about your son and ask if there’s anything else she would like to discuss.
You can shift the culture of your family dynamic from one that’s rife with passive aggression to direct, compassionate conflict resolution. When you create boundaries around sensitive topics, you are taking the initiative of diminishing the potential for future conflict. A lot of people think of confrontation as scary and even mean. But when handled with compassion, it can be the most loving way to preserve the integrity of the relationship.
