I asked him to stop. When he didn’t, I asked my husband to talk to him. It felt really intrusive, and I hated having to be on guard when Paul was here.
My husband made Paul apologize to me. The apology was along the lines of, “I’m sorry you look so bad in every picture I take.” And he didn’t stop.
At this point I asked my husband to give him some consequences, but he acted like I was making too big a deal of it and if I stopped reacting, then Paul would stop.
Last weekend, I was prescribed medicine that gave me a rash. I was in my bathrobe, hair a mess, hideous rash all over my face, and Paul took a photo of me. I grabbed the phone out of his hand and deleted the photo, plus other photos he had taken of me without me knowing.
Paul started wrestling me to get his phone back, and hit me several times, so I threw his phone. It broke. Paul started screaming at me, and my husband came running and yelled at both of us.
Paul went to his mom’s and refuses to come back here. His mom sent me nasty texts and threatened to sue me for the replacement cost of the phone. My husband is angry at me for not just “being an adult and letting it go” and demanding I apologize to Paul for breaking his phone. Lost in all of this is the fact that my stepson assaulted me (I have bruises) and no one has addressed his behavior.
I am sick of all of them, and I really don’t know what to do. Apologize? Divorce? Restraining order? Help?
— Paparazzi Are Inside the House
Paparazzi Are Inside the House: Paul’s behavior is antisocial, cruel, defiant and dangerous. And creepy. And possibly illegal.
And he’s not the biggest issue here.
That distinction belongs to his parents.
All the adults here have failed Paul. You let your emotions build to (a possibly illegal) outburst level, which is on you, even though your outrage is 100 percent valid. You all missed opportunities to approach Paul from a compassionate parenting angle.
I’ll frame it this way: How would he feel if you all turned the sanctuary of home against him — just to publicly humiliate him? That’s what he did to you, so it would have been a good empathy exercise to ask him. And did anyone note the underlying anger in the mean photos, prodding Paul about its source? Or ask a relevant teacher/adviser/coach whether Paul’s behavior has changed? Did anyone ask Paul if he was okay?
Did anyone plan some dedicated, parental, recreational one-on-one time with Paul to see if he’d open up?
It appears everyone missed a cry for help.
But your husband’s failure tops all, since he shares primary authority (with Paul’s mom) and has the closest view — yet did the least about it.
Parents simply must act once their kids show flagrant disregard for someone’s humanity or dignity. It’s a parent’s sacred responsibility — to the kids, to the rest of their families, to society. And to themselves, since the recoil from a child’s bad acts can be as devastating to the parents as it is to the child.
Your husband blew multiple opportunities to stop Paul’s progression down this path. The forced apology was the first misstep; those encourage insincerity and teach nothing besides the low price to keep doing whatever one wants.
Accepting the insincerity was the second misstep. It was his dad’s job to tell Paul: “‘I’m sorry I hurt you’ is an apology. ‘I’m sorry you look bad’ is an insult.” Further defiance? Bye, phone. It’s a privilege.
The third misstep was letting Paul off the hook for recidivism (bye, phone!); the fourth was, wow, blaming the victim. Does your husband think his son didn’t watch him do that, and take notes? Husband, too, needs the empathy quiz.
The fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth missteps were: failing to confer with you about a proper, unified adult response to the incident toward your dignity and Paul’s ultimate well-being; choosing the wrong side; ignoring his son’s violence; and not saying, “Focus, please,” to his ex because an out-of-control adolescent costs way, way more than a busted phone.
The mother’s behavior is a horror I won’t parse because who knows what she was told. But, wow.
Assuming your husband’s disrespect wasn’t fatal to the marriage: Everything here points to professional intervention. Paul needs help.
I don’t see him getting it, though, with these parents. Mercifully, you don’t need their cooperation to call or text the National Parent & Youth Helpline, 855-427-2736. It’s only a start, but it’s free, 24-7, expert guidance for you and Paul, the two most at risk in this mess.
