I understand now that I can’t fight my mother’s battles, but my brother is still very distant from our mother, and it hurts her badly, especially around holidays, when she expects little or no contact from her son and grandchildren beyond token gestures. Is there anything I can do to help the situation?
Sibling: Yes. You can mean it when you type, “I understand now that I can’t fight my mother’s battles.” This is her relationship to mend with her son.
Focus on the things you’re responsible for: your relationship with your mom, and your relationship with your brother.
For all you know, your mother hurt your brother badly in a way you either weren’t privy to or weren’t able to see. Maybe Mom favors you, for example, egregiously, and he’s had it.
Not that it’s necessarily your mom’s fault that he distanced himself; I’m just citing that as one example of the unknowns and variables that can drive estrangements.
And it’s one of the many arguments for being mindful of your own business. Unless it’s your own relationship, you’re missing some crucial information — based on nothing more than being on the outside looking in. For all you know, you “stood up” for the wrong family member.
So: Tend to your connection with Mom. If you want so badly for family to spend time with her, then move closer. You don’t have puppet-string privileges with anyone else.
And tend to your connection with your brother. Apologize for butting in where you didn’t belong, promise it won’t happen again, and make sure it never happens again.
· My sibling has tried to step in to fix my very rocky relationships with our parents. I found it very frustrating, because they weren’t privy to everything that went on and were really in no position to offer advice or broker any kind of peace. I’m sure my sibling thinks I’m being unnecessarily harsh on our parents, but I have my reasons, and this isn’t their call. Let your brother and your mom figure it out.
Dear Carolyn: What’s my moral obligation to/for a friend who bought a gun for protection and shouldn’t have? In addition to being elderly, they also have a disability that makes the situation even more dangerous. There’s ZERO chance I can talk them out of this. I’m extremely worried for any first responders who may have to enter the home. I live too far away to warn them. What do I do? This is making me sick with worry, even though, at this point, it’s just a hypothetical situation.
Anonymous: You are not too far away to make calls to people in your friend’s area. A wellness check on an elderly, disabled resident is hardly a wild hypothetical, and I have to think first responders charged with checking on your friend someday (or wrong–housegoers) will appreciate this relatively small effort toward everyone’s safety.
To go the social services route, contact the local jurisdiction on aging; that information is available at eldercare.acl.gov. You can also call the non-emergency or community policing number to find out what their local precinct recommends.
