But it’s driving me nuts! I don’t want to hear it. I’m sad about my stepdad, and although I 100 percent want her to be happy, I am admittedly holding my breath a little until the mooniness quiets down and I can tell this is the real deal.
She’s hurt that I’m not being supportive, and will make comments such as, “At least [so-and-so] wants me to be happy.”
Am I being a jerk for not unreservedly embracing this?
Anonymous: “Unreservedly” is about your feelings; you can’t be a jerk for having feelings, just for acting on them selfishly.
Do you see any selfishness in your letter?
I see plenty, but none of it appears to be yours. Your mom discarded your stepdad possibly with infidelity and apparently without compassion. And she’s oversharing shmoopie new love details without regard for your interest in them. And seems unwilling to consider that you can simultaneously care about your stepdad, want her happiness and want a little distance from it all.
Plus the theme song of this me-parade, “At least [so-and-so] wants me to be happy,” makes me want to jam my thumbs a little too hard into my own eyeballs.
So, no, I am not inclined to call you a jerk. Respecting your own discomfort is not selfish. Plus, you’ve clearly gone out of your way to be mindful of others’ feelings.
To that end, yes, honeymoon phases are gushy (and self-absorbed). And to really stretch the going-out-of-your-wayness, your mom arguably could also have been worn down by her marriage to your stepdad in ways no one outside the marriage could see.
So your patience with her is actually kind of sweet — assuming she didn’t groom you for it over a lifetime of woe-is-me emotional manipulation.
If you’re not sure which it is, then you can probably find out. Merely say this, next time she whines about what she perceives as your lack of support, and see how she reacts: “Mom, I 100 percent want you to be happy. But as your kid, I just don’t want gory details.”
She will be able to grasp this, easily, if she’s able to see far enough past herself to accept your right to say no.
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been married almost six decades. I can’t count the number of younger people who ask me what the secret is to a long marriage. What do I say? If I tell the truth about the constant work it is, it could discourage them from marriage. If I say, “Oh, just love each other,” that wouldn’t be true. What else could I say?
Still Working on It: The point is to answer honestly, not to answer in a way that preserves their willingness to marry. Isn’t it?
Ask them how detailed an answer they’d like, then speak from your experience accordingly. Ask more than you tell, even, to get at their concerns.
Presumably, that’s why people approach you. If they’re just looking to confirm their biases, then that’s not your problem, either. It’s theirs.
They may also intend only pleasant conversation and not expect serious counsel.
You are also, always, free not to advise on demand.
