Since moving in, I found out he wanted me to do that stuff because he’s never done any of it. His parents did everything for him. Literally everything, including his laundry, making all appointments for him and paying all his bills — providing the money and sending it off, too. His dad even put gas in his car every time it needed it.
Now my boyfriend acts like gassing up his own car and paying his own bills is such a big, stressful deal. Also, he hasn’t made one appointment since we moved in together. He recently asked whether I would book his haircuts and dental appointments for him. When I said no, he got really upset and brought up how he pays the rent.
My best friend says he views me as a maid he has sex with. Do you think this is true? Is our relationship doomed?
— Treated Like His Secretary/Maid
Treated Like His Secretary/Maid: Please tell your boyfriend that not being a complete jackhole isn’t as hard as he makes it seem.
And as soon as you’re making more money, sign up your best friend for a chocolate-of-the-month subscription as a reward for general excellence in the role.
For funsies, though, let’s say your boyfriend doesn’t see you as just a sex maid. Let’s say he (also) loves you for who you are.
Then you’d still have the problem of his petulance, helplessness and petulant helplessness. That is not just an “Oh, his parents did everything” problem. Because:
· Sometimes parents who try to do everything get shut down by their kids, who actually want to take care of themselves.
· Sometimes parents do everything and then, when the kids are set loose on the world, the kids say: “Whoa! I never learned this thing that my entire age cohort knows how to do!” And the kids set about learning the thing ASAP — often embarrassed and hoping no one else notices they have the skills of an oblivious 8-year-old. Some of these newly free-standing people never look back and become self-reliant globe-trotting laundry-slayers.
Therefore, when someone raised in a cave sees daylight for the first time when he’s in his 20s, and his response is to flood you with shame and assignments as he races back into the darkness, you can say the problem originated with his parents, sure — but he put his sentient adult stamp on it.
Or did he make you do that for him, too?
Re: Maid: Start small. Your boyfriend should do ONE chore, something, anything: sweeping, toilet cleaning, dusting, unloading the dishes. That is still “fair” in a he-pays-more, you-do-more split. If he can’t do even one chore, then, yes, you’re the maid, and you should leave.
Anonymous: Yeah, no. The ONE chore is for the letter writer — to pack up and get the hmph out.
Re: Maid: Don’t “start small”! It is NOT YOUR JOB to teach him to be an adult [head on desk]. Dump him!
[Head on Desk]: Y’okay? I’ve found a cold beverage pressed to the forehead can help. (Briefly — don’t want to bruise a good drink.)
