Two days in, his mom is so much better she probably won’t need him by early next week. When I suggested maybe he could come home early, he said he also wanted to see friends while there, but could come home if I’m really struggling.
I told him I didn’t want him to put it on me, since I thought the long trip was for his mom’s recovery. It feels weird to me that he gets to relax while I am handling everything at home.
BUT he sacrificed life in his country to be with me in mine, and rarely gets back.
So, should I just suck it up and not tell him how hard this is for me? We generally have very good communication, but I worry my loneliness and overwhelm are getting the best of me. I’m also upset he didn’t seem to get right away that it would be a big help for him to return early.
Feeling Weird: 1. Give him his two weeks, guilt free.
2. Prove to yourself you can do this and not unravel (major payoffs in that, which I’ll get to).
3. Recognize that asking him to “get right away” what you wanted is a both a big mind-reading ask and a huge discounting of the value of home to him.
So, those benefits/payoffs: Obviously, the one with the getaway enjoys the benefits of rest, a scenery change, fewer pressures and a reacquaintance with Self. These are so important to build into life with young children, if possible.
But the one holding down the family fort also benefits. It can boost your confidence as a parent. It can teach your kids to step up, as soon as they’re old enough. What extra, even tiny jobs can they do to help you help their dad help his mom? It’s about family buy-in and resourcefulness, such great things to teach. Give them this experience when your husband is in charge, too.
Nobody’s guaranteed two parents. Stuff happens. Knowing you can Do This, whatever “This” is, is worth the hassle you’re going through now. I swear.
Re: Traveling: Maybe this could also free him to spend some time with his mom, not “helping” but just enjoying her as an adult?
Anonymous: Of course, missed that, yes. So much of the big travel is saved for emergencies and endings, at the expense of sharing good times. This is a great chance for good times.
Other readers’ thoughts:
· Get helpers in! Call in your troops (friends, family) to lighten your load, and hire sitters whenever possible. Model to the kiddos that it is not always necessary to martyr yourself when you have a community to support you. I say this as a volunteer on the Crisis Text Line (988) who hears from people in pain coping with a go-it-alone mentality having internalized that asking for help is weak or useless.
· And the parent who has to take care of the children for two weeks will have a newfound respect for people who are single parents 24/7/365.
