My kids are 9 and 6 now and have a slew of questions/observations/beliefs about the fact that Dad works and Mom stays home and takes care of them. How and when do I introduce the financial calculus that went into that? The last thing I would want is for them to draw gendered, simple conclusions — which would be very easy for them to do since there are a lot of stay-at-home moms in our community.
Stay-at-Home Parent: As you know, explaining things to kids, especially while they’re young, is a process of a thousand conversations, observations, explanations. One reason is they’re not always ready for a whole history or analysis of something — you feed them only the pieces they can handle. Another reason: They bring their own observations to whatever you say — like those other families, and of course they’re also observing you up close, so their understanding is an unpredictable work in progress. Another reason is that life is dynamic and the thing you’re narrating, and they’re processing, will change.
So you take all of that as the answer to “When do I …” When something is important to you, refer to it, and be repetitive. “Yes, your dad works outside the home and I focus on taking care of you. We could have switched that around, but this made more sense for us.” Or, “Yes, I know you see mostly moms doing this — but dads can, too. It’s up to every family to make these decisions.” Where you slip in the enduring legacy of centuries of patriarchy is mama’s choice.
This approach stakes out your position for future conversation. If they’re ready for it now, then they’ll probably follow up with, “Why?” Then you go ahead, say that choosing not to work means not having money coming in for now or for retirement, and that was okay for you because you have enough money saved. If your situation were different and involved a financial risk, then you could say that, too — that you and their dad decided one of you would stay home anyway, and you did X, Y and Z to protect yourself and the family. Kids’ eyes glaze over pretty fast if your info is over their heads, so if it is, then let it go for a while and wait for next opportunities.
The fun part of this is that your kids are guaranteed to take their partial — and partially conjured — understanding to the playground and share loudly with everyone on Earth. So there’s that.
But that’s inevitable, so, whatever. (Ask any first- or second-grade teacher to share things the kids blurt out.) Just build their understanding of your values with all those little daily pieces.
One thing to keep in mind: You don’t want to build judging into that structure. We used a “some people do X, others Y, and we chose Z” construction for so many things, to establish there wasn’t just One Way to live. That plants the seeds for their agency, too, and can even get them thinking of people who make different choices. If they can’t find any in their orbit, then, well, there’s your next social-emotional-educational conversation prompt.
