During my mom’s decline, my brothers’ wives spent a good deal of the time not speaking to and refusing to be in the same room with one another over nothing, really. Their rift added a strain that otherwise wouldn’t have existed in my family, and when they finally made up six months ago, it was a relief.
Not even two full days after our mom passed, both of these women were suddenly blasting me via direct message, the family group chat and a long, haranguing voicemail accusing me of making all the decisions for her funeral by myself, berating me for meeting with the funeral director on my own and demanding a Zoom meeting so “we can ALL be involved in the planning.”
I tried de-escalating by assuring them I’d conferred with my brothers, empathizing with them for feeling left out, and asking for their grace and understanding as we focus on burying my mom who’d just died, and they responded with things like, “What do you mean YOUR mother?” and “How can you ask for grace when all you have to do is move the funeral one day?” (to accommodate a trip to visit her relatives).
Well, I got tired of being spoken to like that, plus my mom had just died in my arms 36 hours before, so I told them I was blocking them until their husbands let me know everybody was ready to hug and apologize, said “Love you!” and peaced out. I also moved the funeral one day because why not.
Both women avoided me at the wake and funeral. Am I the jerk here? What should I do?
Family Drama: Oh. I’m sorry about your mom.
You are not the jerk, and your steps were necessary. And had decisive panache, I might add. You’ve done Mom proud.
Now what you do is live your life. These women will either crawl back or they won’t. Gutting yourself in the meantime over mistakes you didn’t make won’t affect the outcome enough to be worth the distress.
Where are your brothers in this?
Carolyn: Thank you, Carolyn. Your answer made me cry, which annoys me because I keep unexpectedly crying over that and I haven’t yet cried over my mom. I don’t know if that’s my natural reaction or if it’s because I’m worried about this nonsense. I have brothers, nieces and nephews (and even sisters-in-law, if they can stop acting like they were raised in a barn) whom I’d like to be close to, and they make it difficult.
Both brothers were upset about how their wives behaved, one telling his wife both sisters-in-law were wrong. The other just felt that “we’re all stressed.” He’s got a lot going on, and I can’t get mad that that’s what he has to offer at the moment.
Family Drama again: So, yay, your brothers already said you aren’t the jerk. You didn’t need me.
It sounds, too, as if you are crying over your mom. It’s just that your system is finding this the easiest path for release. Next you’ll cry over a car ad, then halfway down Aisle 3. Might as well surrender to it, since the way to get through the bigger tears is to cry them.
