Long story short, we both were prescribed Adderall, and while it has been an unmitigated success for me, my wife found the side effects intolerable, so she stopped taking it.
That’s fine with me, but I’m stuck doing all the chores while my wife is stuck in the executive dysfunction rut I used to be in. This isn’t a case of being married to a do-nothing lowlife — I absolutely empathize with her struggles to do basic tasks — but this also means I get no help around the house and any help I do get, I have to specifically ask her for.
I’ve tried getting her to do a chore regularly, but she only does it for a few days and it goes back to being my chore.
B.: I’m going to be really happy for you that you got a diagnosis and treatment combo that makes function out of your dysfunction.
Then I’m going to disagree with you on a bunch of stuff. It’s not Adderall or bust; there are other stimulants, and there are other medications that aren’t stimulants, and there are other treatments that aren’t meds. (I’m not a doctor or a client, nor am I playing one on TV, I’ve just been at this awhile.)
And your wife’s decision to drop the meds and stop there is not in fact “fine with me,” or else your letter wouldn’t exist.
I do agree with you that your wife isn’t some “do-nothing lowlife.” Even in the negative, that wording’s a little harsh, but I appreciate your point and it needs to be said; executive function disorders are a brain issue and not an entitlement issue.
In practice, they can feel a lot like entitlement issues if both parties involved aren’t careful: If you start to carry the entire household workload for both of you, and if doing this wears you down to a nub, and if your spouse effectively sits by and watches this happen, then do you think the resentment will feel different? The resentment if your wife chooses not to try other treatments vs. the resentment if she chooses not to lift a finger to help you?
Again, there is a huge difference between an impairment and an entitlement. Gaping.
But if you believe your spouse could do more to address her condition toward carrying more of the workload at home, then her not doing so will read to you emotionally as a choice.
As in, it will become a pebble in the marital shoe. In the way someone exhausting but clearly 100 percent unable to pitch in — an infant or an invalid, say — would not.
So my advice is to get ahead of any resentment. Ask her to explore other treatments. More aptly: to accept her executively functional spouse exploring them for her. If no, then say why that’s not tenable.
And/or, adopt a beepy e-calendar system — which you run. (Sorry.)
And/or, simplify everything.
As in: Make home life sustainable. Because what drains you now will break you later if there’s no relief in sight.
