He makes comments about how I’m not like my brother and don’t act like him, and he repeats that my brother was the son that everyone wished they had. I know he’s grieving and misses my brother, and my guess is he is depressed. He refuses all conversation about how he’s feeling and rejects the idea of therapy or a grief group. My mom and he divorced when we were little and don’t really like one another, but my mom did try reaching out, parent-to-parent, and got nothing from him. I just want to never talk to him again. Is that an option?
Forgotten: It’s definitely an option. And even if “never talk to him again” is more than you want to decide right now, you’d be justified not to talk to him again until he shapes up and sincerely apologizes for how he’s treating you.
You don’t say anything about your relationship before your brother’s death. If his recent comments are inconsistent with the man you knew growing up, then you have reason to hope that as he heals, he’ll come to realize how badly he’s hurt you and want to make amends. If there’s a history of his ranking his sons like this, though, then you’ve got more than a recent-comments problem, you have a lifetime-of-emotional-abuse problem.
In neither case will sticking around as his emotional punching bag benefit either of you. And if, in a few years, he does come out of this dark place, then you can be honest about how he’s hurt you and decide how much grace you want to extend then.
Forgotten: I suggest you have a conversation with your dad at a moment when neither of you is charged up. Tell him you’d like to talk to him about something you have been thinking about. Ask him if he will just listen to you without responding and then mirror back what you have said to him. Then tell him how it feels to be negatively compared to your brother, making “I” statements rather than “you” statements as much as possible. Speak as much as you can from your own feelings and vulnerability. When he mirrors you back, correct him until he has it right. Then ask him to express how he’s feeling and do the same thing.
My guess is at the end of that conversation, you will feel a lot closer to each other, and it will set the stage for further communication. And yes, you can just not see him again. That’s always an option, but if there’s a potential for healing, that’s always better.
Forgotten: You need to see the movie “Ordinary People” directed by Robert Redford.
Forgotten: You have clearly survived so much. And you absolutely have the right to cut off your emotionally abusive father. However, there is another path. A few years ago, I considered writing off my parents, who were emotionally and physically abusive during my upbringing. Working with a therapist, I chose instead to radically redraw the boundaries of our relationship but keep them in my life.
The result was that I ultimately learned things about them and myself that proved essential in the larger work of shedding so much familial baggage and becoming a fully realized human being. They have grown too, although not as much as I might have hoped for. And so, a few years down the road, with these newer boundaries, I now have a relationship in which there is also room for love.
Forgotten: I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your brother and the hurtful things your father says to you. Grief and depression are no excuse for cruelty. My sister died by suicide when I was 18. Twenty years later, I can still feel like I live in her shadow, and my parents have never compared her to any of our siblings. My heart hurts for you.
First, I hope you have a good support system: a therapist, a support group, friends and maybe a psychiatrist. They will help you continue to deal with your grief, but more importantly, to provide you the support and decency your father will not. Next, I suggest leaving your mom out of this. Your relationship with your father is between the two of you, and it would be inappropriate for you to ask her to become involved — even if they were still married.
Have you told your father how his words are making you feel? I think you could give him a chance to see how his words impact you and to change before you cut him out. I suggest writing a letter or email. It gives you the time to choose the right words, and it gives him the space to process what you’re saying. First, I would validate his grief. Then I would express how his comparisons to your brother make you feel with examples. Then, I would define the boundaries of your conversations.
After that, hold him to it. If he starts in again, change the subject, walk away, hang up the phone. Engage again when you feel comfortable. If he continues and you have to create more distance, then you will do so knowing you tried your hardest to maintain a relationship with your devastated father.
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
