Westerdahl didn’t think he was doing anything particularly noteworthy by inviting a friend to visit while he worked on his to-do list. But thousands of people praised the genius behind these “friend shifts.”
“I think [Westerdahl] figured out the key to having friends as adults,” one person commented on the post. “Getting things done and having friend time.”
Dining out is getting increasingly expensive, and free places where people can socialize without time limits can be hard to find. Inviting people into our homes seems like the smartest option to combat loneliness and spend time with our friends. But for people who suffer from hospitality-induced anxiety, this may seem daunting.
Westerdahl says hosting a party with lots of people and an elaborate dinner spread feels overwhelming. Inviting a friend over for a chat and a watermelon ice pop, though? “That’s a totally different, less stressful situation, and I like it so much more,” he says.
Here, experts share why we should host friends in our homes more often — and suggestions for low-stakes, low-stress ways to do it.
Prioritizing time with friends
Making — and keeping — friends in adulthood isn’t always easy, but social connections are important for our mental and physical well-being, according to Marisa Franco, a professor at the University of Maryland who teaches a course on loneliness, and the author of “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.”
“Connection is really just the most important thing in our life,” Franco says. “It makes us happier than anything else does. It extends our life more than our diet does, more than exercise.”
But it requires work and time — and a place to gather, which can be challenging given the lack of access to free community spaces, such as parks and libraries. Alex Hinand, an entertaining coach in Chicago who helps people organize and host events, favors hosting at home, and he works with clients to find meaningful ways to do that. “Coming out of covid, we were so used to not letting people into our homes, or going into other people’s homes,” Hinand says. “I think [hosting] still feels like a very formal affair. But the more we do it, the more comfortable we get, the more we flex and work these muscles, the easier it will become.”
Overcoming hosting anxiety
Westerdahl didn’t realize there was a name for what he was doing by inviting friends to keep him company while he gardened. “Body doubling” is a productivity strategy for making frustrating tasks more palatable, often used by people with ADHD. The idea is that having someone there with you helps you stay focused.
Melia Smith of St. Paul, Minn., says body doubling has been a path to hosting friends more often. She and a friend hang out together while they clean their apartments. “It’s given me more confidence about not having my space look Instagram-ready, which I didn’t realize was weighing on me so much,” she says. “It has taken some of the stigma out of showing someone my house when it’s not at its best.”
This is a concern that Hinand hears often. People feel vulnerable about inviting guests into their homes. In some cases, they worry about being judged for how perfect or imperfect their space is. In other cases, they feel social anxiety: Will my friends show up? Will they enjoy it?
Making yourself vulnerable, though, can benefit your friendships, Franco says. It helps to remember that you tend to view yourself — and your space — more critically than others do. That’s a psychological phenomenon known as “the beautiful mess effect.”
“When people show you their messiness, it indicates to someone that I trust you enough to see this vulnerable side of me and not judge me, which is why vulnerability tends to make us feel closer,” Franco says.
The messiness of being vulnerable, and the literal messiness of our homes, can be stressful and scary, but Hinand says, “It doesn’t have to be, and your friends don’t want it to be either. They just want to spend time with you and be invited into your safe space.”
Abby Daykin of Spokane, Wash., agrees. “If I ever go into anyone’s home and it’s messy, it feels like a gift,” she says. “Like they are telling me they love me and trust me and don’t feel the need to perform for me.”
Reframing what it means to host
Other barriers to hosting friends, according to Hinand, include time and cost. But if you reframe what hosting means to you, and let go of the idea that you must put on a fancy menu or lavish party, you can overcome those obstacles as well.
Start by inviting one person over, Hinand says. “Have your best friend over for an art night. Watch your favorite TV show together. Do some of that body doubling. Start small and work your way up.”
Even as you add more people to the mix, you don’t have to think of new activities or provide anything extra.
A friend of Hinand’s hosts art nights once a month. People bring whatever project they’re working on, such as watercolors or needlepoint. “It’s a dedicated time for all of them to devote to being creative, however they want to be creative,” he says.
When planning your gathering, think about your friends’ strengths and interests, and look for where they align with yours, Franco says. “Whatever those things are, let’s do them together at home.”
For example, Stephanie Bennett of Winston-Salem, N.C., puzzles with a friend. “We take turns acquiring puzzles and donating our kitchen table to the cause,” she says. Daykin likes to have a friend over to help repot plants. And Jennifer Armstrong, who lives in Bristow, Va., enjoys the “come if you can” potlucks her friends host weekly during the summer.
“Incorporating people into your regular life — however messy or loud or uneventful or boring — makes people feel comfortable and safe together,” Armstrong says. “The more you do it, the less hard or overwhelming it seems.”
Westerdahl agrees. Whether it’s a last-minute “friend shift” or a planned gathering, he says, just pick a spot in your home that you enjoy or feel proud of — whether that’s the garden, the dining table or the front porch. “Focus on the good part of where you live,” he says. “If you like it, your friends will probably like it too.”
