When I invited my colleague to a conference taking place in my state, she and her husband stayed with my family for two nights. I felt we were hospitable, but there was zero graciousness on my colleague’s side. Rather, there was a lot of complaining about how unwell she felt, about her various health complications, about other issues in her life, degrading comments about the state where we live — a general stream of negativity.
Now what do I do at work? I’m so turned off by the lack of regard she showed as a houseguest and the way she spoke to her husband that I’m not sure I can go back to our office banter and support. I want to create distance, but not upset the apple cart. Is this possible?
One of the drawbacks of work friendships is that bonding over complaining about the boss is not necessarily the way to find the happiest of people.
The other drawback is that they are hard to shake when you find them tiresome. Miss Manners realizes her solution may come as a surprise, which is to steer the conversation back toward work — and to gradually reduce your off-hours availability.
Dear Miss Manners: I was invited to attend a church function with a friend. The staff was offering tours of the church’s grandiose, newly remodeled facility, and upon entering a particularly opulent room, where parishioners are baptized, I let out a “Wow!”
The young lady helping visitors navigate through the room promptly “shh’d” me with a stern look and a finger to her mouth.
Mind you, there were no ceremonies taking place at the time; it was strictly a tour. I have a deep voice that tends to resonate, but I didn’t feel as if I were “shouting to the heavens” — simply noting my awe in something slightly louder than “library voice.”
I was raised to believe that shushing someone is innately rude and tactless, and I told my friend as much. She told me I was reacting like a sulking child. Could you please offer your thoughts on the situation from a mannerly point of view?
From a mannerly point of view: No good will come of this.
But that was not your question, was it? The guide may have overstepped, but she may also, like a librarian, have been exercising reasonable custodial authority in shushing unruly guests.
Miss Manners finds it less easy to excuse your criticism of her to your friend, which she assumes occurred in the young lady’s presence — or your friend’s response, even if motivated by embarrassment. Which brings us full circle to why it would have been better had you simply apologized and moved on.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
